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Annoying Foot Lady

The captain of our football team is so on her high horse this season. She’s really excited about footy and feels like she missed out because of an injury last season, I get it. But she needs to relax – not everyone is as prone to injury as she is. Like I’ve been playing sport, albeit not footy, for the last twenty-five years and I’ve never injured myself. Why does she think the whole team would come down with horrible foot injuries and require arch support insoles just because she did? I’d rather be learning how to tackle than talking about how to look after my feet!

I’ve spent years looking after my body. I want to learn how to throw my opponent to the ground and kick a goal for 50 out. I don’t want to hear about foot care. But oh well, she’s our captain and I may or may not even be in the seniors this season. I’m probably going to be a fringe player. I’ll play really well in the reserves and be promoted to a spot in the seniors, only to get five goals kicked on me and then be put back in the reserves the very next week.

I’ve decided that I’m going to buddy up with the captain and hope that I’ll be able to get in her good books and get a spot in the seniors every week. I feel like if I’m going to play footy, I want to be in the best team, not the team that’s just around to fill the numbers. 

I might even look into foot care treatments in Cheltenham and bring them up to everyone in one of our team meetings. That way I’ll look like I fully support her, even though I actually don’t care at all about what she’s saying. But life is about keeping up appearances and sucking up to the people that are going to get you places. 

Achilles Tendinitis

Last year in the peak of my football career, I was struck down with an untreatable foot condition. I had to retire from the game that I’ve spent my whole life playing, which I am still really upset about. However, if I had kept playing I would have done so much damage to my feet that there was the possibility that I would never be able to walk properly again. So as you can imagine, I had to make the tough decision to retire from the game that I love.

Ever since my retirement I have been spending my time split between volunteering at sports clubs and doing foot care treatments. Cheltenham is where I’ve chosen to volunteer based on its proximity to the podiatrist, so that on any given day I can easily travel between the two. 

I always wear a brave face at the sports clubs and podiatrist. Excluding my close family, no one knows just how devastated I am not to be playing footy. Instead I tell people that I love and miss the game, but I’m also loving teaching the next generation of sports stars and looking after my body. Of course this is a lie, but no one really cares how people feel beyond what they present as truth. 

Devastating, my achilles tendinitis will never get better. Even after a year of foot care treatments and looking after myself, it was too little too late. Sometimes my wife asks me if I would have rather never to have played footy if it meant I wouldn’t have to suffer through this, but my answer is an overwhelming no. 

I do not regret my decision to play football at a professional level. It bought me fame, money and popularity. It gave me brothers and people who I will be lifelong friends with. I’ve been absolutely ripped off in terms of the length of my career, seeing as I had so many more years left in me, but I don’t regret the years I played.

 

Family Coup

I can’t believe we pulled it off! We actually managed to kick the Riley family off Family Fight without anyone suspecting a thing. The previously undefeated champions wanted to hightail it out of the studio with the billions of dollars we weren’t able to pay them, but we showed them. We would have had to close down the entire show for good if we’d been required to pay up. So the only real choice was to rig the show to make them lose. The plan went to perfection if I do say so myself.

The truth is, the Hudson family aren’t professionals when it comes to commercial tinting at all. They are actually androids purchased by the show and programmed to answer the questions with the answers we had prepared. Now that we have a family of androids on the show, we can make it seem like the competition is real while saving money by not having to pay the winners. We’ve got two sets of androids which can change their appearance between shows, acting as both the challengers and the champions. It’s genius. Nobody will ever realise what we’re doing. Unless they read this blog post, of course. But what are the chances of that happening? Basically impossible. It’s hidden on an obscure website in the middle of the internet equivalent of the Sahara Desert. So I think the secret regarding the masters of office window tinting for the Melbourne area is safe here.

If anybody finds this post, I will personally eat my shoe while walking across the tightrope of flames and suffering we used to use on the show. I’ll do it on national television. Heck, I’ll even do it while not wearing any clothes. That’s how confident I am that this secret is safe.

Why even make this blog post, then? Well, I like to use it as a diary of sorts. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there? Anyway, I’ve got to go plan the next fifty episodes of the show. Here’s to the continuing success of Family Fight!

– Gary the Producer

Hyperbaric Monsters

I swear, sometimes it’s like game designers don’t even test their games out to see if they are actually fun. I’ve been playing the newest Mini Monsters (Minimon) game over the last week or so, ever since it came out. I’ve got this great team of Minimon that can beat pretty much any opponent, at least in theory. The problem is that this game has a brutal poisoning condition, which causes your Minimon to lose health outside of battle. Basically every fight ends up with your Minimon being poisoned, which means you’ve got to haul it back to the Minimon centre for healing in a hyperbaric chamber all the dang time. It’s so frustrating.

Like, come on! We have portable hyperbaric chambers within Melbourne. How hard would it be to put one in the game, which lets you heal your Mimimon on the go? You can’t tell me that the game designers tested this thing and thought it was fun. Running between towns after every battle, wasting hours of your time, is not compelling gameplay.

It wasn’t always like this, you know. In the previous games, there used to be items that would heal your poisoned furry friends, but it seems they’ve removed that from this game. The team at Freaky Games said poison healing was a “gimmick” which wouldn’t be reused. That would be fine if it wasn’t a total lie. Every Minimon game has had poison healing items, including the spinoffs.

I don’t understand. Did anyone at Freaky Games even test this product? You can’t tell me they kept running between towns for healing and thought it was totally fine. It’s not fine. It’s boring at best and infuriating at worst.

If I, a regular consumer of the game, can tell that there are these massive issues in the product, then why can’t the company creating it? Don’t they have playtesters? Quality assurance managers or something? Surely somebody could have pointed out that the game is no longer fun without items that can heal the poisoned condition. I feel like I’m going crazy here!

Observatory Fight

As the fifty space flight engineers made to attack me, I drew my longbow and went for cover, ready for our epic fight. They were trying to stop me from finding the secret to excellent and affordable car repair, but I wasn’t going to let them get in the way.

I went to draw an arrow from my quiver, lightning-quick with my expertly trained reflexes. As my hand touched my waist, however, I realised I’d left my quiver and arrows at home! A metal set square went flying over my head, as I tried to think of how I could possibly win. Without arrows, my bow was useless. I drew my shortsword and leapt over the barrier, then rolled on the ground to avoid more flying lab equipment.

“Tell me where to find the best auto electrician near Hobart!” I screamed, charging through the pack of engineers. Now I was so close to them that they couldn’t throw anything at me, as they would hit their scientific allies.

With a single thrust, I put my shortsword through the giant telescope which my opponents surrounded. It pierced the metal, and suddenly lights in the observatory began to flash red. A voice came over the room. “Telescope has taken critical damage. Self-destructing in five, four, three…”

I was already making a run for it, the engineers stunned by my epic move. I managed to get behind the group as the telescope went up in a giant fireball, exploding. They were thrown back by the force, flying in a wide arc through the air.

When it was over, I walked toward one of the engineers, putting a boot on his chest. “Tell me where I can find the mechanic I seek.”

He coughed, his body broken. “You’re looking in the wrong places,” he said. “What you really seek is wheel repair. Hobart is-” He collapsed, eyes shut.

“Hobart is what? Hobart is what?” I demanded.

But it was too late. He was already unconscious. I grunted and pushed myself up, looking around at the destroyed observatory. They really didn’t want me finding the car repair guru, did they? There was something sinister going on here. If I was going to get to the bottom of this, I’d need some new tools.

Evil Bathroom Designs

Alright, time for part two of my supervillain lair renovation! Today, I’m planning to add a bathroom to it. It’s really annoying when you’re in the middle of an evil plan brainstorming session and suddenly nature is calling you, but you have to walk all the way upstairs to go to the bathroom. By the time you get back, all the creative ideas are gone! It’s a massive momentum killer. That’s going to change once I get bathroom renovations. Melbourne had better watch out because I’ll be coming up with more diabolical plans than ever!

Of course, there’s a lot of planning for the bathroom to be done, before the renovation can truly begin. I’ve got to pick the colours and the tile types, along with the finishes. I’m thinking that an ocean-style bathroom might be best, as the relaxing and soothing colours will enhance my big brain so that it comes up with more delightfully evil ideas. That will be particularly important when I’m the Premier of Victoria because I’ll be getting up to all sorts of mischief then. Not that anybody will care. I could spend the entire state’s budget on giant flowers that come alive and destroy the city and nobody would care because it’s still better than the current guy.

Now, it’s really important that I get it right the first time when it comes to bathroom design near Melbourne. People will judge me pretty harshly if they find out that I have a tacky bathroom in my lair. I like the ocean-style idea, but it’s possible something better will come along. I’ll have to speak to the professionals about it. Maybe I should go with something a bit more menacing. Perhaps some demonic art or flames? That sounds pretty evil, if a little cliche. I’m sure the experts will have some ideas. Once the project is done, I’ll have all my peers from the Supervillain Training Academy come around for a dinner party, and they’ll all marvel at my incredibly evil lair, complete with a kitchen and a bathroom.

– Dr Dark McBane

My New Story

I’ve been trying to write something a bit different lately since my agent (the lovely Janet McCallom) thinks I should branch out a little while she shops around my series. I guess I can see the wisdom in that. After writing seven massive unpublished epic fantasy novels, maybe it’s time for a small break. So these last few weeks I’ve been dabbling in flash fiction and short stories, and I’ve found it surprisingly enjoyable.

Today I started a new story. This one is about a mechanic close to Bentleigh who realises that he has the power to speak to cars. I’m pretty sure that’s an original concept, so it should do well. Might even win the Nebula award one day. Who knows? I’m getting ahead of myself, though. I haven’t even finished the first page yet! My plan is that Harold, the mechanic, forms a partnership with this special, high-tech spy car. They go on missions to the central ring of the Milky Way galaxy and fight a robot invasion that wants to take all the water from Earth. It’s going to be epic. I like the idea so much that I might even turn it into another series one day.

While on these adventures, Harold is going to long for home and the simple, enjoyable life he once had. He’ll remember how great it was to work at an auto electrical shop near Bentleigh and wish to go back. But at the same time, he knows that the fight is one worth continuing. Without Earth’s water, nobody will ever be able to be a mechanic again, himself included. He hopes one day to defeat the Fantastic Menace, as the robots are called, and be able to return home.

This is fun to write and all, but I really do hope Janet can get Giggle McWiggle to a publishing house soon. I really want to get started on book eight! My protagonist is finally going to conquer his biggest fear: words starting with the letter ‘s’.

– Augustus Bland

Fix the Building!

We really need some repairs around the building because it’s getting a bit dangerous around here.

Just a couple of days ago I was bringing my boyfriend up to the apartment so that he could pat Mr Whiskers, my favourite of the six cats I own. We were heading up the stairs from the ground floor when he put his hand on the balustrade. The tiniest bit of weight caused it to fall down and smash against the ground. Suddenly everyone was heading down to see what the noise was about. I was so embarrassed. We’ve all known to avoid that balustrade for the last few months, but I’d forgotten to tell my boyfriend about it! 

So for starters, we could really use a business that makes glass balustrades for stairs. Melbourne has lots of stairs so that this exists. Unfortunately, it’s not really my job to arrange that. That honour belongs to the landlord, but he’s a bit of an idiot. Maybe I should form a cat lovers’ union, and we can force him to do it. He thinks that we don’t need a balustrade or handhold, which in my opinion, is really dangerous. There are a lot of older people living in this building. What if one of them has a fall while on the stairs?

That’s just the start of my issues with Mr Daniels, though. He’s done much worse than refusing to get commercial glazing. I’ve reported multiple times that my front door scrapes along the carpet, but he refused to get it fixed. Then when he turned up at my door for a random inspection, he complained that I was destroying the carpet and made me pay to get it repaired! What a jerk.

He’s just lucky that we’ve formed such a tight community of cat lovers. Nobody wants to move out of the building. Well, that’s why I’m going to unionise. Although if we don’t and something bad happens, he’ll get a big lawsuit. Maybe it’s time I took a tumble down the stairs instead.

Next Top Destroyer

I’d just discovered that my best friend was responsible for the destruction of Australia’s Next Top Office. It didn’t make sense, but the proof was staring me right in the face on the director’s screen.

“It wasn’t me!” Space Wizard said. “I would never do something like this. There has to be some other explanation!”

I stepped toward him, a fist balled. “Who’s that on the video, then? It looks exactly like you. How could you do this? Don’t you know how many people rely on ANTO for entertainment? Now how are we supposed to win through designing fantastic office fitouts for Melbourne businesses?”

“You have to believe me, Bandit,” said Space Wizard. “I had nothing to do with this.”

“He’s telling the truth.”

We both turned toward the door. There stood a withered man, his flesh wrinkled and almost green. He carried a staff with a skull on it and wore a tall stone helmet. Archerak, the great arch-lich. 

I immediately reached for a loose pipe in the corner, holding it as a weapon. Space Wizard shifted to a stance where he could more easily use his magic.

Archerak lifted a weak hand before us. For a second I thought he was casting a spell to liquify us.

“No need to protect yourselves,” Archerak said. “My magic has been stolen from me. I am nothing but an undead old man with a genius mind.”

I continued to hold the improvised weapon, unsure if this was a trick.

Archerak continued. “This Space Wizard was not responsible for the destruction which now prevents awesome office interior design. Melbourne is in great danger, for the villain in the film you see is much worse.”

“What do you mean, this Space Wizard?” I asked.

Archerak hobbled toward us, supporting himself on his staff. He pointed to the screen, where Space Wizard used his laser vision to destroy the town. “There are two of him now. I do not know why, but this one is the Evil Space Wizard. His eyes glow bright green instead of blue.”

“My gosh,” I said. “What do we do?”

Space Wizard stepped forward. “We work together to destroy my evil clone.”

Archerak and I nodded in agreement.

Glazier Hungry Games

I was watching the Hungry Games the other night, and I couldn’t help but admire the courage it must have taken to enter such a big and deadly competition. My brother said it was based on a true story so that just makes it even more amazing. Although at the start it said it was set in 2256, so I don’t really know how it can be based on a true story if it hasn’t happened yet. Maybe the director is a time traveller? Anyway, as I was watching this movie, I got an idea. Now don’t laugh, because it will hurt my feelings. I think we should introduce the Hungry Games right here in Melbourne. But not just any Hungry Games; the Glazier Hungry Games.

You make it hard to enter, so only a most talented glazier close to Melbourne would bother auditioning. Then you select the twenty-four best and train them in weapons and warfare. Then you let them loose in an arena (possibly the Melbourne Croquet Ground) to fight for the championship. If they do certain challenges, they are rewarded with extra things to help them survive. Whoever wins is named the King of the Glaziers for that year, and they get a massive trophy.

I have plenty of ideas for challenges the glaziers could do, and I think each of them would be really entertaining to watch on television. For starters, a glazier could come across a home in need of a glass balustrade fix. Melbourne has plenty of talented glaziers who know how to do that, so I’m sure doing that while under pressure from enemy arrows wouldn’t be a problem. Imagine how riveting that would be to watch, though! There goes Terrance, the renowned Werribee glazier, repairing the balustrade! Oh no, here comes Jack, the most feared glazier in all of the Mornington Peninsula. He draws his bow. Terrance isn’t even aware of the danger! Surely this is the end of him.

But no, Jack shoots the balustrade instead, shattering it and preventing Terrance from getting his reward, making him desperate for food and more likely to join his alliance, since he doesn’t know who destroyed the balustrade. How exciting!