Boy, that’s a bad feeling. Getting to the end of a game series you truly love, the developers and the game box and ALL the convention speakers assuring you that this is going to be the ultimate ending to the ultimate game and it’ll TOTALLY BLOW YOUR MIND…and then it isn’t. Were the last eight years all for nothing?
It was all going so well, too. Glass Defect 1 and 2 were both masterpieces, and the third was still a great game, but that ending? It’s like they got the intern to write it on their first day. I get that simulation games are all the rage right now…especially since I had to share the console with my sister, and she was obsessed with Shears of War, the one where you do all kinds of hair removal. Except even when I was younger I could tell that there was one game-breaking element, and that was travelling to Melbourne for laser hair removal. You might start with the basic scissors, and the game tells you to upgrade until you have the ULTIMATE SHEARS, but actually, laser hair removal is practically necessary for the later levels since cutting leg hairs with scissors needs too much precision. Supposedly the game tried to make it clear that the laser hair removal level was only for the leg hair removal, but you can totally take the technology with you into other levels and it works way better than anything else. Which isn’t true for real life, unless people go to the hairdresser to get their head zapped with lasers. I mean…I live in Ballarat. Laser hair removal here is not for the head.
Not that I, uh, know much about that. I just picked up Shears of War a few times, y’know? Almost by accident. No, I played REAL games, flying across the galaxy and checking windows for defects. Manly stuff.
My nerves can handle a finale. My nerves can handle a mid-season finale, provided I know that it’s coming. But now Week of Our Lives has just been tossing in the revelations in whichever episode it likes, and I just can’t deal. CANNOT DEAL, PEOPLE.
Anyway, juicy details firthcoming! Now Spencer is the mayor, he’s unveiled a gold statue of himself in the town square that also acts as a fountain. Debbie has remained faithful despite the unfortunate tortoise incident that found its way onto Me-Straw, but now she’s worried. Spencer is flying in some expert eyebrow tattooing experts from Melbourne, because he’s worried that the golden statue’s eyebrows are more ‘fleek’ than his, and it’s now mocking him.
Debbie wants to tell someone who can help, like a psychiatrist, but having perfect eyebrows to impress Craig, her ex who dumped her for his online Japanese robot girlfriend, is too tempting. She’s going to surpress the truth of Spencer’s illness just to make her eyebrows the most fleek in all of Realsville, prizing her appearance over the good of the citizens!
In a related story, Greta is trying to snag the handsome guy who fixes the gas despite the fifty-five-year age difference, and she’s been trying to oust Debbie from her position as PA so that Spencer will include her in his eyebrow tattooing plans. Never mind that her husband Paolo managed to survive her attempts to have him killed at sea by befriending the mercenary pirates and has returned for his ultimate revenge! And Greta is using the money from his life insurance just to keep the anti-wrinkle treatments from Melbourne flowing. What happens when the truth comes out? Will Debbie see sense? Why is Spencer’s gold statue wearing Crocs, and is it a sign? How will Leela convince Clarice to open a reptile petting zoo together when iguanas killed her entire family?
Squee, so much mystery and intrigue!!