Monthly Archives: August 2020

Bathroom

Evil Bathroom Designs

Alright, time for part two of my supervillain lair renovation! Today, I’m planning to add a bathroom to it. It’s really annoying when you’re in the middle of an evil plan brainstorming session and suddenly nature is calling you, but you have to walk all the way upstairs to go to the bathroom. By the time you get back, all the creative ideas are gone! It’s a massive momentum killer. That’s going to change once I get bathroom renovations. Melbourne had better watch out because I’ll be coming up with more diabolical plans than ever!

Of course, there’s a lot of planning for the bathroom to be done, before the renovation can truly begin. I’ve got to pick the colours and the tile types, along with the finishes. I’m thinking that an ocean-style bathroom might be best, as the relaxing and soothing colours will enhance my big brain so that it comes up with more delightfully evil ideas. That will be particularly important when I’m the Premier of Victoria because I’ll be getting up to all sorts of mischief then. Not that anybody will care. I could spend the entire state’s budget on giant flowers that come alive and destroy the city and nobody would care because it’s still better than the current guy.

Now, it’s really important that I get it right the first time when it comes to bathroom design near Melbourne. People will judge me pretty harshly if they find out that I have a tacky bathroom in my lair. I like the ocean-style idea, but it’s possible something better will come along. I’ll have to speak to the professionals about it. Maybe I should go with something a bit more menacing. Perhaps some demonic art or flames? That sounds pretty evil, if a little cliche. I’m sure the experts will have some ideas. Once the project is done, I’ll have all my peers from the Supervillain Training Academy come around for a dinner party, and they’ll all marvel at my incredibly evil lair, complete with a kitchen and a bathroom.

– Dr Dark McBane

Cars

My New Story

I’ve been trying to write something a bit different lately since my agent (the lovely Janet McCallom) thinks I should branch out a little while she shops around my series. I guess I can see the wisdom in that. After writing seven massive unpublished epic fantasy novels, maybe it’s time for a small break. So these last few weeks I’ve been dabbling in flash fiction and short stories, and I’ve found it surprisingly enjoyable.

Today I started a new story. This one is about a mechanic close to Bentleigh who realises that he has the power to speak to cars. I’m pretty sure that’s an original concept, so it should do well. Might even win the Nebula award one day. Who knows? I’m getting ahead of myself, though. I haven’t even finished the first page yet! My plan is that Harold, the mechanic, forms a partnership with this special, high-tech spy car. They go on missions to the central ring of the Milky Way galaxy and fight a robot invasion that wants to take all the water from Earth. It’s going to be epic. I like the idea so much that I might even turn it into another series one day.

While on these adventures, Harold is going to long for home and the simple, enjoyable life he once had. He’ll remember how great it was to work at an auto electrical shop near Bentleigh and wish to go back. But at the same time, he knows that the fight is one worth continuing. Without Earth’s water, nobody will ever be able to be a mechanic again, himself included. He hopes one day to defeat the Fantastic Menace, as the robots are called, and be able to return home.

This is fun to write and all, but I really do hope Janet can get Giggle McWiggle to a publishing house soon. I really want to get started on book eight! My protagonist is finally going to conquer his biggest fear: words starting with the letter ‘s’.

– Augustus Bland

Glass

Fix the Building!

We really need some repairs around the building because it’s getting a bit dangerous around here.

Just a couple of days ago I was bringing my boyfriend up to the apartment so that he could pat Mr Whiskers, my favourite of the six cats I own. We were heading up the stairs from the ground floor when he put his hand on the balustrade. The tiniest bit of weight caused it to fall down and smash against the ground. Suddenly everyone was heading down to see what the noise was about. I was so embarrassed. We’ve all known to avoid that balustrade for the last few months, but I’d forgotten to tell my boyfriend about it! 

So for starters, we could really use a business that makes glass balustrades for stairs. Melbourne has lots of stairs so that this exists. Unfortunately, it’s not really my job to arrange that. That honour belongs to the landlord, but he’s a bit of an idiot. Maybe I should form a cat lovers’ union, and we can force him to do it. He thinks that we don’t need a balustrade or handhold, which in my opinion, is really dangerous. There are a lot of older people living in this building. What if one of them has a fall while on the stairs?

That’s just the start of my issues with Mr Daniels, though. He’s done much worse than refusing to get commercial glazing. I’ve reported multiple times that my front door scrapes along the carpet, but he refused to get it fixed. Then when he turned up at my door for a random inspection, he complained that I was destroying the carpet and made me pay to get it repaired! What a jerk.

He’s just lucky that we’ve formed such a tight community of cat lovers. Nobody wants to move out of the building. Well, that’s why I’m going to unionise. Although if we don’t and something bad happens, he’ll get a big lawsuit. Maybe it’s time I took a tumble down the stairs instead.

office design

Next Top Destroyer

I’d just discovered that my best friend was responsible for the destruction of Australia’s Next Top Office. It didn’t make sense, but the proof was staring me right in the face on the director’s screen.

“It wasn’t me!” Space Wizard said. “I would never do something like this. There has to be some other explanation!”

I stepped toward him, a fist balled. “Who’s that on the video, then? It looks exactly like you. How could you do this? Don’t you know how many people rely on ANTO for entertainment? Now how are we supposed to win through designing fantastic office fitouts for Melbourne businesses?”

“You have to believe me, Bandit,” said Space Wizard. “I had nothing to do with this.”

“He’s telling the truth.”

We both turned toward the door. There stood a withered man, his flesh wrinkled and almost green. He carried a staff with a skull on it and wore a tall stone helmet. Archerak, the great arch-lich. 

I immediately reached for a loose pipe in the corner, holding it as a weapon. Space Wizard shifted to a stance where he could more easily use his magic.

Archerak lifted a weak hand before us. For a second I thought he was casting a spell to liquify us.

“No need to protect yourselves,” Archerak said. “My magic has been stolen from me. I am nothing but an undead old man with a genius mind.”

I continued to hold the improvised weapon, unsure if this was a trick.

Archerak continued. “This Space Wizard was not responsible for the destruction which now prevents awesome office interior design. Melbourne is in great danger, for the villain in the film you see is much worse.”

“What do you mean, this Space Wizard?” I asked.

Archerak hobbled toward us, supporting himself on his staff. He pointed to the screen, where Space Wizard used his laser vision to destroy the town. “There are two of him now. I do not know why, but this one is the Evil Space Wizard. His eyes glow bright green instead of blue.”

“My gosh,” I said. “What do we do?”

Space Wizard stepped forward. “We work together to destroy my evil clone.”

Archerak and I nodded in agreement.

Glass

Glazier Hungry Games

I was watching the Hungry Games the other night, and I couldn’t help but admire the courage it must have taken to enter such a big and deadly competition. My brother said it was based on a true story so that just makes it even more amazing. Although at the start it said it was set in 2256, so I don’t really know how it can be based on a true story if it hasn’t happened yet. Maybe the director is a time traveller? Anyway, as I was watching this movie, I got an idea. Now don’t laugh, because it will hurt my feelings. I think we should introduce the Hungry Games right here in Melbourne. But not just any Hungry Games; the Glazier Hungry Games.

You make it hard to enter, so only a most talented glazier close to Melbourne would bother auditioning. Then you select the twenty-four best and train them in weapons and warfare. Then you let them loose in an arena (possibly the Melbourne Croquet Ground) to fight for the championship. If they do certain challenges, they are rewarded with extra things to help them survive. Whoever wins is named the King of the Glaziers for that year, and they get a massive trophy.

I have plenty of ideas for challenges the glaziers could do, and I think each of them would be really entertaining to watch on television. For starters, a glazier could come across a home in need of a glass balustrade fix. Melbourne has plenty of talented glaziers who know how to do that, so I’m sure doing that while under pressure from enemy arrows wouldn’t be a problem. Imagine how riveting that would be to watch, though! There goes Terrance, the renowned Werribee glazier, repairing the balustrade! Oh no, here comes Jack, the most feared glazier in all of the Mornington Peninsula. He draws his bow. Terrance isn’t even aware of the danger! Surely this is the end of him.

But no, Jack shoots the balustrade instead, shattering it and preventing Terrance from getting his reward, making him desperate for food and more likely to join his alliance, since he doesn’t know who destroyed the balustrade. How exciting!