Monthly Archives: July 2018

Law

I Leave it All to the Cat, I Guess

succession planningIf there’s one thing I hate more than children, it’s nothing, because I hate children.

Not on an individual level, mind you. Individual children are unique, with some more bearable than others. However, the general concept and the ideas attached to that concept? I do not care for them, not even slightly. I actually had to sit through an entire conversation with my friends the other day where they were talking about when they’d have kids, and what would happen to them if they died (themselves, not the kids).

I blame Marv for that macabre conversation topic, because they’re always his fault. That’s why he’s Macabre Marv. Anyway, Jenn said that daddy had already hooked her up with a firm in Melbourne, succession planning strategies and the likes. She never has to worry about legal matters ever again. I bet she had a will made up for her when she was five, because her parents are loaded beyond loaded and they have lawyers for every tiny little thing. Of course, Jenn has to let us know it all the time.

Obviously Sarah and Kevin were all gushing about how they’d do their best to stay safe so their little future children would have a loving mum and dad  who’d raise them right and love them dearly and other stuff that makes me feel seriously ill. So I guess love makes you invincible then. No custom for any of the attorneys or lawyers in Melbourne while these two are alive…which will be forever because they’re in LOVE.

That just left Anita, who’s obviously prepared for this because she’s prepared for absolutely anything, up to and including an outbreak of deadly measles and the news that the President of the country is slowly turning into a zombie. So she’s already looked up all the good executors of will and their services in Melbourne, ranked them in order of efficiency, will creation ability, proximity to all the sixteen possible places where she could be buying a home, and whether her future partner would agree to making a will with them.

And here’s me, all just…nah. No kids. No wills. No lawyers. Everyone just take my stuff, if you really want it.

-Charlie

Garden

Planning for the End of the Rain

garden crushed rockThings have been rather dull around here as of late. I’m running out of socialite friends to invite around for high-quality tea and gossip, and it just gets rather tacky if you have them over too many times. I’d go horse riding, but the weather has been unforgivably inclement. I can’t even indulge in my favourite pastime of giving directions to our various gardeners to improve the grounds for my own amusement, because that would involve standing outside in the rain, and they haven’t yet invented an umbrella that both keeps you warm, repels 100% of all wind and holds a glass of chardonnay.

Still, there’s something to be said for laying plans, for when the weather improves. I could even combine it with a bit of retail therapy, if Percy consents to me ordering a few tonnes of crushed rock from Narre Warren. This might be irrational, but I feel like the best garden and landscaping supplies come from that particular area of Melbourne. I’m sure there’s no basis for it, but that’s often how shopping works: you gain affinity for places, and won’t hear of purchasing from anywhere else.

Now, the question becomes ‘what part of the grounds needs improvement, or a simple alteration?’

The driveway has become so very gauche. We had it layered with concrete last year due to the Taylor-Mentzkins having it done around the same time, and both James Taylor-Mentzkin and Percy were going for a large concreting contract. We got it, obviously, but now that the year has expired, it’s time for a change. I wonder if I can find the highest quality garden pebbles Berwick has ever seen? The surrounding areas will be a chatter with gossip of my newest home addition. A pebble driveway might look quite lovely in the Autumn. I’ll draft some budget plans…and most ignore them because I believe that I deserve the finer things in life. Anything to improve the image of Whitehall Chapel.

-Cecelia Clancey

Windows

Glass, Earth’s Greatest Export

frosted windowsIf there’s one thing the Earth is never going to run out of, it’s sand. There’s SO much sand in the world, and we’re actually not using much of it. So while the world might run out of water, causing us to have to make a trip to Mars every morning to fill up with Mars water to brush our teeth, I think glass is going to be the next big ‘thing’, as outlined in my keynote speech at the Futurist Club last night. I think it went well.

I mean…glass is something that I think most people like. It’s inoffensive, and commercial window tinting has improved the lives of many an office worker. Frosted window glass gives both privacy and a sense of style, and let’s not forget decorative window glass. Oh, no… in the future, no one will forget decorative window glass. As Earth’s resources dwindle and we have to pay a premium to bring in resources from the space colonies, people will realise that there’s all that sand just lying there, not really doing anything. Whole deserts of the stuff: just premium Earth sand. And so, Earth will become the glass exporter, restoring its reputation in the galactic community, as it becomes the main exporter of tinted glass, frosted glass, decorative glass…and who knows what’ll be possible with the glass techniques of the future? It’s possible that we can create starships made almost entirely of sturdy, space-age glass, making our travels through the cosmos both elegant and convenient for travelers.

Of course, Earth will be the main recipient. The office window tinting near Melbourne CBD will be legendary, in both the world and the galaxy. In fact, it’ll be mandatory as a matter of preserving culture. Yep…we’ll have a wonderful, great glass empire to enjoy. Give it about 600 years or so, and people will finally realise that glass is the way, because despite all the desert, they haven’t already.

-Jayce